I’ve been thinking a lot about how most analysts spit out rankings (some based on math, some based on lord knows what), and they come up with different strategies that they think will best suit them (and you) in order to win, which is the main point of this activity, hobby, or obsession (I guess everybody’s take on fantasy hoops is different). Some pros like to heavily punt categories; others like to have a more balanced approach. Some very strongly advocate for certain must-have players, while others very much advise not to reach and lose value, and others are not at all fazed by the unethical or illegal actions of certain players and will roster them without thinking twice.

For me, it is very important for each and every one of my teams to have a certain vibe. Some of this is dependent upon the format, some of it is dependent upon whether I’m entering into an already-established league or joining one that’s starting from scratch. Sometimes, it takes shape straightaway on draft night; other times, it takes a few weeks of trades and waiver wire action to get things just right. But there are most definitely certain guys I often to always target, because their vibes are simply impeccable (in my opinion), and I’m willing to draft them over more vanilla dudes who might have “a better ranking.” There are also some dudes that I will never ever roster under any circumstance.

I’d like to just throw this out there as a concept for some of you to try. Don’t do it in every league, like I do, because you might end up hating this approach. But maybe give it a shot in a lower-stakes league — you know, like a free one or one you play in with friends and/or family. See what happens. Maybe you come to the same conclusion that I have, which is that winning is, of course, the main objective, but it’s far more fun to win when you actually like rooting for the players on your roster than it is when they kind of make you cringe.

I decided it might be an enjoyable exercise for me (and for you) if I constructed ten teams in the mold of mixtapes, inspired by specific genres. Since the standard go-to number of roster spots, for whatever reason, tends to be 13, I will select 13 players per team. I will not limit myself to bullshit position designations, since the NBA doesn’t. If you want to have a team that is mostly composed of wings, you can — just ask the new-look Brooklyn Nets.

Disclaimer: I chose not to go outside the realm of actual fantasy-relevant players; although, there are plenty of players still in the league that could have made it onto some of these mixtapes.

Okay, here we go!

Adult Contemporary

This group of grandparent-approved guys were the ones who told on you for telling naughty jokes on the playground, they were always the first ones to raise their hands to answer any question in any class from sixth grade on, and they think Stephen A. Smith has a point when he tells professional athletes to “stay off the weeeeeeed.” Many of them seem like genuinely well-intentioned dudes, but many they often just can’t help themselves from doing corny things: Steph Curry is a NIMBY bro with a wannabe influencer wife, LeBron only reads the first page of books and retroactively suggests that he had bizarre premonitions, Buddy Hield tweets, “Thank God For Life, Health and Strength” every single day, Chris Paul bitches and moans every chance he can get, and D’Angelo Russell and Karl-Anthony Towns are the world’s worst (or best, depending on your perspective) podcast guests ever. If you drink milk as an adult, you might not think there is anything weird about any of this behavior.

Deandre Ayton

Steph Curry

Anthony Davis

Spencer Dinwiddie

Tobias Harris

Buddy Hield

Al Horford

LeBron James

Khris Middleton

Chris Paul

Julius Randle

D’Angelo Russell

Karl-Anthony Towns

Afrobeat

The following players all have a specific, syncopated rhythm to their games — they can go from being a bit herky-jerky to smooth, like a Parliament cigarette. They are each consistent in their ways, often chugging along and then catching fire at any moment. They can dazzle you with handles or footwork or pull up from almost anywhere on the court and catch you off guard with some freeform flair or with surprisingly straightforward get-it-done work ethic.

Bradley Beal

Mikal Bridges

Kevin Durant

Anthony Edwards

Joel Embiid

Paul George

Brandon Ingram

Kyrie Irving

Kawhi Leonard

Damian Lillard

Donovan Mitchell

Jamal Murray

Jayson Tatum

Black Metal/Death Metal

These dudes are the grinders, the punishers, the unstoppables. They will coming charging at you like a lovelorn bull. They’ll set fire to your well-conceived plans. They don’t give a shit about your feelings. They are on-court atheists, nihilistic about “the fundamentals.” They’ll tell your dad to STFU.

Steven Adams

Giannis Antetokounmpo

Clint Capela

Jalen Duren

Markelle Fultz

Aaron Gordon

Scoot Henderson

Jakob Poeltl

Bobby Portis

Mitchell Robinson

Jonas Valančiūnas

Robert Williams III

Zion Williamson

Classic Rock

If you’re a player with bad facial hair, you’re classic rock. If you’ve ever chewed tobacco, you’re classic rock. If you’ve ever owned a jean jacket, you’re classic rock. If you still use Facebook, you’re classic rock. If you don’t really turn the ball over, you’re classic rock. If when you’re at the doctor’s office, you check off “White/European,” you’re probably classic rock.

Bojan Bogdanovic

Malcolm Brogdon

Zach Collins

Rudy Gobert

Tyus Jones

Walker Kessler

Brook Lopez

Jusuf Nurkic

Kelly Olynyk

Michael Porter Jr.

Kristaps Porziņģis

Nikola Vucevic

Franz Wagner

EDM/House

These are the fellas who don’t talk too much talk. They’ve got a chill swagger to them. They’re pretty happy-go-lucky. They mostly just want to make fun plays happen and win ball games. Some of them can be a bit rough around the edges, but with enough repetition, they tend to grow on you.

Desmond Bane

Scottie Barnes

DeMar DeRozan

De’Aaron Fox

Darius Garland

Jerami Grant

Cameron Johnson

Kyle Kuzma

Tyrese Maxey

Trey Murphy III

Jordan Poole

Pascal Siakam

Anfernee Simons

Free Jazz

Free jazz is about intuition and inventiveness. These hoopers have an innate feel for the game. They see things that other players do not; they can make something out of nothing. They often make you question what you know or knew about basketball. There’s a lot of “how he do that” to their style of play. It’s a certain type of poetry that often is hard to put your finger on…

Jalen Brunson

Cade Cunningham

Luka Dončić

Josh Giddey

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander

Tyrese Haliburton

Nikola Jokic

Austin Reaves

Domantas Sabonis

Alperen Şengün

Amen Thompson

Ausar Thompson

Jalen Williams

Hardcore/Punk

Anarchy in the NBA! If you want grit, look no further. Diving on the deck, swatting shots from behind, suffocating players with intense, frenetic energy — these players give it their all, every second that they’re out there. When basketball minds mention a player’s motor, they’re usually talking about how he’s lacking. None of these homies are lacking in motor, that’s for sure. They play fast, they play hard, they play loud.

Jimmy Butler

Alex Caruso

Nicolas Claxton

Tari Eason

Draymond Green

Jrue Holiday

Herb Jones

Dejounte Murray

Marcus Smart

Jabari Smith Jr.

Matisse Thybulle

Fred VanVleet

Devin Vassell

Hip-Hop/Rap

Hip-hop/rap — clearly, the coolest genre; all of these guys are either cool or want to be cool. What is cool, or how cool, is often in the eye of the beholder. I’m not saying all of these guys are cool; you decide if they are and how much and how so.

LaMelo Ball

John Collins

Devin Booker

Jaylen Brown

Jordan Clarkson

James Harden

Tyler Herro

Jaren Jackson Jr.

Zach LaVine

Ja Morant

Terry Rozier

Russell Westbrook

Trae Young

IDM

This is not a style of basketball people who were born before, like, 1975 probably understand very well. None of these guys fit into any boxes you can get at Home Depot. Guards who rebound, forwards with handles, centers with court vision. Long scarves, bleached hair, slow-motion shooting mechanics. Good luck trying to explain how these guys play to your uncle.

Bam Adebayo

Kyle Anderson

O.G. Anunoby

Bruce Brown

Josh Hart

Chet Holmgren

Jaden McDaniels

De’Anthony Melton

Onyeka Okongwu

Shaedon Sharpe

Jeremy Sochan

Gary Trent Jr.

Victor Wembanyama

Yacht Rock

Very talented men who get the job done.

Jarrett Allen

Paolo Banchero

Wendell Carter Jr.

Mike Conley

Kevin Huerter

Lauri Markkanen

CJ McCollum

Evan Mobley

Keegan Murray

Klay Thompson

Myles Turner

Derrick White

Andrew Wiggins